Drugs are dark.

I was dead until I met you.

I watched the absolutely crap romantic comedy 'Love and Other Drugs' the other night. I am beginning to have a fickle fascination with the 'chick-flick' genre. I am very easy to please. But the other night, whilst watching this cheesy film with the well placed hunk Jake Gyllenhaal and the 'relatable' Anne Hathaway, I couldn't help jotting down on a post-it 'What is WITH my fascination with modern fairy tales?'

This leads me to my chicken/egg question that is, which came first- Western ideals of romantic love or the chick flick. Some argue the former, some argue the latter. Regardless, I like to believe, personally, that it's the former but that's because I've been brain-washed by the modern-day fairy tale. We all want to believe they're real when we're kids. But when do we actually grow up? 

I cannot stand the idea that there is no 'one' person out there, that he will never, in true Victorian patriarchal form, come and rescue me from the ultimate horror of spinsterhood and I cannot bear the idea that our love could fade when I actually am rescued. I resent this in myself of course, but it's only natural. We are surrounded with and pumped up on Hollywood pulp that ultimately gives us unrealistic expectations of not only what 'love' means but also about human nature. Human nature is not monogamous. I hate to say it because I really wish to believe it weren't true. I am still starry-eyed, wishing the fairy tales were true and that I really am a princess. But it's just not truthful. If we are truthful, we realise that yes, love may exist between people but it is not eternal the way it's been suggested to us all our lives. And also, other people can take our place quickly or can co-exist with us. 

Why is 'cheating' so painful to us, actually? If there was a man who loved me and another girl equally, why would I be so uncomfortable with it? I'm trying to answer this question with a rational defense of my discomfort but I honestly can't. All I can think of is that 'a meaningful relationship is between just two people' but that's not true. If that were the case, couldn't you have just one best friend? Or one friend even? 

So here I come to an ultimatum I must make myself (in true Hollywood dramatic fashion). Do I naiively but happily and fondly enjoy the notion that there is 'the one', that all relationships are forever until proven otherwise, that love is unceasing and eternal or do I wake up to the reality that people are fallible, that relationships are unreliable and that no one can ever be with just one person ever. I mean, Woody Allen pretty much smashed that Hollywood idealism out of the park with his movies which were truthful but depressed me. 
I guess if I were realistic, I wouldn't be hurt in the end and my wounded ego wouldn't feel like a deflated balloon inside of me. But isn't it more fun to believe in something? Isn't the holy man, the man who reads the Bible and the man who believes in his own eternal salvation a man who is more comfortable and happy? 

Existence is not about comfort. But it helps if can be comfortable in your unproven, grandiose notions about the universe. The romantic ideals of the Western world become religion in themselves; with their very own altar of sacrifice, a salvation and an ultimate 'born-again' ceremony- ("I was dead until I met you"). 

The choice is up to the individual, I guess. And I definitely have not made up my mind. Do I put my 'head in the clouds' so to speak or stay grounded? 

'Once I was lost to the point of disgust'

Drinking red wine on your own is almost never a good idea. I feel like an alcoholic, even though I am indeed proceeding to go on a reluctant night out in Dublin town. I need to get out more and stop worrying about logisitics, where and where from and where to and then where to therefafter. Admittedly, I am a bit drunk writing this. I've drank three glasses already while watching 'Friends', which is actually funnier with the warm glow of a good glass of red. Also, it's this super healthy, like, organic shit so sure, I might as well be eating a grapefruit. I'm getting so many benefits. I can feel them. Now. 
My grandmother always said 'Ein Glasse Wein pro Tag ist gut für dein Herz' (a glass of wine per day good for your heart). Having said that, that woman drank four glasses of scotch, fifteen billion glasses of wine and smoked 40 cigarettes 'pro Tag' before she was bedridden (I am super depressed about that, don't get me wrong). So, I' not sure if she's necessarily the Guru of safe alcohol consumption/alcohol consumption in proportion to how much company you have. 

Yeah, so, I've been to Switzerland in the last two weeks which was pretty strange. I'm usually there with my Mum who orders for me and speaks gibberish over lunch with a non-alcoholic fizzy substance so this time having to order a 'Kaffee Natur' by myself was considerably challenging. My German, although I like to think I'm fluent, needs improving. I stayed with Nathalie, the beautiful, intelligent tanned Swiss-Polish penpal I've had for the last couple of years. We shared a bed, went to the cinema a couple of times, ate pretzels and got reasonably drunk with her boyfriend and his Graffiti-artist mates. I'm just so cool. 

And now what am I doing? Oh no, I just realised I linked this blog to my 'Linkedin' profile. Best remove it when I'm less drunk so my future employers don't cease to consider me and also worry about me. Nothing to worry about, really. I'm just fine on me Tobler. For serious. 
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Anyway, love y'all. Y'all who read that is.