and lollipops

So it's that time of the evening again when we all curl up in front of the fireplace for another one of Hannah's blogs. I'm sure you're all awaiting my stories with bated breath, not pausing to sip your tea 'til the immortal words pour from my lips.

Well, nothing much has happened in the past week except I'm one of the busiest bees known to man. To quantify my busyness, it's best to imagine the workload of a student and multiply it by approximately 4.5 and that's the work I'm doing. So not much more, but to me, in context of my academic years doodling away, looking at Government legislation on the internet (well...the executive summaries at least) and doing very little- bumbling through campus with several tins in my bag, it is a lot of work. I basically work 3 to 4 days a week in this internship that I'm doing with this non-profit Christian mission organisation called Agapé (I'm doing the HR and all the administration tasks) and then I work for actual money in Spar in the evenings and weekends. On top of which, I am still looking for a job in Ireland and England, saving for London (which currently is a quite thin envelope that needs thickness improvement...so don't bother robbing it, you'd only manage a couple of rounds of drinks). I also have friends and a life and a pile of books to read. So you know, I'm kicking basically.

In this new internship gig, I have my own printer and pens and desk and chair. I feel quite proper and weird. I get the DART early in the mornings with all the punters and I wear a blazer and carry a laptop case (which I don't know how people do on a regular basis, it's the most impractical thing since 7 denier tights in conjunction with wicker chairs, crocs while gardening [I didn't dare, don't worry] and cleaning the guinea pig cage with a teaspoon). My office is in Dun Laoghaire, just a stone throw away from some lovely cafés and since I'm doing an unpaid position, I have more leeway on how long I take my breaks for. It's weird to go from school, to school, to college (school) and then to a place where you're trusted entirely. I know college is a place where you're apparently trusted but they still need you to fill out all the forms promising that you won't cheat on your exams and that the sweaty eejit at your desk is indeed you. And there's signs all over the bathroom asking you to please use contraception and eagerly decipher the patterns on your dress to see if they are the sown in pattern or indeed vomit.

I guess in that respect I am a proper adult now. And I have to do unspeakable things like pay €5 for a tiny wrap and act like it's no big deal. I also have to have decorum on public transport and in general. I have to say things like 'Sure, this is it' and 'It's not raining again, is ish?'

It's all downhill from here now. I'll still have a lot of Harry Potter in my life though. I don't think I'll ever let go. That and my fluffy Spongebob pen. And swings. And merry-go-rounds. And lollipops.

To win a prize, deservedly so.

Anthropocentric ideals have had me wishing for foggier mountains, longer rivers and deeper lakes. When one's only consolation lies with the trees, at the feet of them, beneath where their roots claw for damper water sources and in the tops of them where the leaves crane in the competition for better light. I don't wish for snow or for sun or for light but only for freedom. I don't want jingling pockets, even heavier bank accounts or expensive materials to adorn myself with. I don't wish for a man with strong arms or a friend with a sensitive kindness only for me. I only want to breathe freely, knowing finally that I am not the centre of the earth. As well as knowing with a quiet pride that my life before was a prize that was won, deservedly so. The best candidate was me.

I want to feel like I am allowed. 

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love"- Mother Teresa

for survival and all

I was just watching this movie (it seems I'm always 'just watching movies' but hey, I a'int gonna justify nothing) 'The Bucket List'. I'd seen it before but yeah, I was certainly in the mood for something touching like that. I liked the scene where they're sitting on the pyramids (as one does) and Carter tells Edward about that the ancient Egyptian people believed when a soul went to heaven that you are asked two questions to determine whether you get in or not: 1) did you find joy in your life and 2) did other's derive joy from your life? (this was just after telling him that the only dog in the world to ever be struck by lightning was in Egypt- zOmg...)

The first question might be easier to answer. We've all experienced joy on different levels. The second is harder for me to answer, certainly and if we reflect on it, we have to be honest and say we could have done/should do more (which we can always do). I know I should do more to bring joy to other peoples' lives anyway. I can sometimes be a bit grumpy and selfish and wrapped up in my own problems. That's natural, of course, considering human nature. But I'd like to make other people happy almost more than I want my own happiness. That makes me sound like such a goody-goody or as if I'm trying to be all super-perfect-mrs. nice (that is a thing that people say, promise) or think myself as such. This is not really what I mean. I think if you have one clear duty as a human being, stripped from all creeds, societial conditions, rules or cultures of conduct, it is to look after one another. People always use Herbert Spencer's 'survival of the fittest' theory (like Darwin's theory of 'natural selection' but applying it to human society) to justify hierarchy of the rat race or whatever. But one way of survival is to work in groups, something human beings have always done.

So, even if you're not a religious person and you debate the purpose of your existence, you know that one significant purpose in life is to help others. You know, for survival and all.

Be happy for absolutely no reason!

Things are going really well at the moment! I just spent the weekend with some of my friends up in the country for my friend's 21st and it was great fun. I was just taken aback by the beautiful surroundings of Castle Leslie, where we were staying. All the beautiful old paintings, endless rooms with old furniture and books and out the window, the view of the lake! We also went out on some boats the next day, admittedly hungover, but still joyful and full of scrambled eggs and grilled tomatoes. I enjoyed myself. It was nice to go on an adventure but also nice to see a good friend of mine being celebrated.

I went to Erica's today and we had a good old laugh, drank lucosade and watched a bit of 'Dinner For Schmucks' before she had to go to see her new fella. We had such a giggle. When we were making tea, I asked 'do you want regular tea or...unidentified circular tea?' and for some reason that had us in stitches.

I've been thinking a bit about happiness lately. Less happiness as much as it is a 'lightness' of heart. I am attempting to shed old layers of negative thinking, I am trying to being honest with myself and I am also trying to stop pleasing everybody. People-pleasers are not good people all the time. I think you could classify me as a people-pleaser. It's bad, I know but it's like I cannot stand the idea of someone not liking me to the point of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy! I don't let people just relax and think the things they do. I have to make sure all is okay and that they are comfortable. A friend of mine was saying he came over to my house the other week and he was really enjoying just the general atmosphere- the chats, the nice dinner I made, watching 'Mystic River' and eating old Easter-egg and drinking ginger beer but because I was worrying so much about his comfort about the lighting, the dishes in the sink and whether or not the things I cooked were okay he couldn't just sit back and enjoy them. He was worrying over my worry and exhausted trying to reassure me things were okay. He often calls me out on these little things I do and I'm so glad for it! It must be annoying to have someone incessantly asking if they are okay. So I decided I don't want to do that anymore! I don't have to please anybody. He also noticed, in his infinite wisdom, that I tend to waste a lot of time on people who are not very nice to me or people who aren't fussed whether or not I'm around and tend to ignore those who do actually like me around and think I'm nice. I'm working on that too, actually. It's a great thing to keep in mind. Gratitude is something I want to carry with me everywhere. For those who deserve it, of course.


I've been asking those I admire about their secrets to happiness. What I've mostly found is that there is not much of a secret about it. Happiness is a constant state of mind, not a pursuit nor something that can be 'acquired' as such through the accumulation of external experiences or goods. This might sound somewhat obvious, of course but it's certainly news to me as a child of the prosperous 90's. 
I think the kind of happiness one can rely on is not a happiness that other people supply us (although it helps to be in good company) nor where we go and what we acquire for ourselves but rather, how we view the world generally around us. I tend to be negative sometimes about my surroundings but I know that there are other ways of going about it, for sure. I know that the only way to be happy is to be happy 'no matter what' or happy for absolutely no reason. It's the way you interpret things and the habits you pick up.

And I think we can often interpret what happiness actually is wrongly. Stephen Fry says that the worst thing you can ever do is set goals for yourself. Because two things can happen and when they do and neither of them are good. The first possibility is that you won't achieve them and then you'll feel bad about yourself and think you can't actually do them. The second is that you achieve the goals and wait for the elation to follow, which it often does. So I have this sports car, this job, this girlfriend/boyfriend, this lifestyle now...so am I happy now? That kind of happiness is temporary, maybe. Or difficult to rely on because humans adapt easily. The only real rich are those who are happy, innit.

So yeah, this is my new adventure. I want to cut out sources of contraction and upset, I want to be with people who make me feel good (and there are so many of them, I am so blessed), I want to be in a state of happiness not altered by external accumulations of wealth nor fluctuating good and bad circumstances. I also don't want to constantly think of how other people view me.

(yeah, I've been writing mad personal stuff on my blog lately! I hope y'all don't mind the self-indulgence...I enjoy it too much, clearly!)

Drugs are dark.

I was dead until I met you.

I watched the absolutely crap romantic comedy 'Love and Other Drugs' the other night. I am beginning to have a fickle fascination with the 'chick-flick' genre. I am very easy to please. But the other night, whilst watching this cheesy film with the well placed hunk Jake Gyllenhaal and the 'relatable' Anne Hathaway, I couldn't help jotting down on a post-it 'What is WITH my fascination with modern fairy tales?'

This leads me to my chicken/egg question that is, which came first- Western ideals of romantic love or the chick flick. Some argue the former, some argue the latter. Regardless, I like to believe, personally, that it's the former but that's because I've been brain-washed by the modern-day fairy tale. We all want to believe they're real when we're kids. But when do we actually grow up? 

I cannot stand the idea that there is no 'one' person out there, that he will never, in true Victorian patriarchal form, come and rescue me from the ultimate horror of spinsterhood and I cannot bear the idea that our love could fade when I actually am rescued. I resent this in myself of course, but it's only natural. We are surrounded with and pumped up on Hollywood pulp that ultimately gives us unrealistic expectations of not only what 'love' means but also about human nature. Human nature is not monogamous. I hate to say it because I really wish to believe it weren't true. I am still starry-eyed, wishing the fairy tales were true and that I really am a princess. But it's just not truthful. If we are truthful, we realise that yes, love may exist between people but it is not eternal the way it's been suggested to us all our lives. And also, other people can take our place quickly or can co-exist with us. 

Why is 'cheating' so painful to us, actually? If there was a man who loved me and another girl equally, why would I be so uncomfortable with it? I'm trying to answer this question with a rational defense of my discomfort but I honestly can't. All I can think of is that 'a meaningful relationship is between just two people' but that's not true. If that were the case, couldn't you have just one best friend? Or one friend even? 

So here I come to an ultimatum I must make myself (in true Hollywood dramatic fashion). Do I naiively but happily and fondly enjoy the notion that there is 'the one', that all relationships are forever until proven otherwise, that love is unceasing and eternal or do I wake up to the reality that people are fallible, that relationships are unreliable and that no one can ever be with just one person ever. I mean, Woody Allen pretty much smashed that Hollywood idealism out of the park with his movies which were truthful but depressed me. 
I guess if I were realistic, I wouldn't be hurt in the end and my wounded ego wouldn't feel like a deflated balloon inside of me. But isn't it more fun to believe in something? Isn't the holy man, the man who reads the Bible and the man who believes in his own eternal salvation a man who is more comfortable and happy? 

Existence is not about comfort. But it helps if can be comfortable in your unproven, grandiose notions about the universe. The romantic ideals of the Western world become religion in themselves; with their very own altar of sacrifice, a salvation and an ultimate 'born-again' ceremony- ("I was dead until I met you"). 

The choice is up to the individual, I guess. And I definitely have not made up my mind. Do I put my 'head in the clouds' so to speak or stay grounded?